The Top 95 Most Hilarious Quotes About Money

There’s nothing more inspirational than a good quote.

And there’s nothing more funny than a good quote, too.

I’ve scoured the internet looking for some of the funniest and most inspirational money quotes that money can buy. Okay, not really.

I’m always looking for good quotes about money and frankly got tired of always searching for them. I figured it would be much easier to put them all in one place. 🙂

So here you have it….95 funny and inspirational quotes about money. If I missed your favorite, be sure to share in the comments below.

Funny Money Quotes

1. “Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham

2. “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown

3. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” – Woody Allen

4. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

5. “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

6. “Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson

7. “The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

8. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

9. “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams

10. “Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.” – Donald Trump

11. “The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor

12. “Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broken their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.” – Jerry Seinfeld

13. “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor

 

14. “He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous

15. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” – Oscar Wilde

16. “Every day, I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

17. “Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

18. “Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail” – Richard Friedman

19. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

20. There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. ~Jack Yelton

21. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. ~Author Unknown

22. No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

23. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. ~Sam Ewing

24. Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence. ~Max Amsterdam

25. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back. ~Author Unknown

26. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. ~Author Unknown

27. I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. ~Joe Louis

28. “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” – Will Smith

29. Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. ~A.A. Latimer

30. Money is like manure. You have to spread it around, or it smells. ~J. Paul Getty

31. Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind. ~Kay Ingram

32. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer. ~Author Unknown

33. Money often costs too much. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

34. The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste. ~M.W. Harrison

35. I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle, 1987

36. It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

37. We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. ~Buzzie Bavasi

38. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann

 

39. I am having an out-of-money experience. ~Author Unknown

40. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. ~Aristotle Onassis

41. Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~Zig Ziglar

42. People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. ~Doug Larson

43. If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. ~George Gobel

44. A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfying to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain

45. If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion. ~George Bernard Shaw

46. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. ~From a Washington Post word contest

47. “What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street

48. “You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing

49. “The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places

50. “In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface

51. “Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street

52. “The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” –Alexander Knox (Robert Wuhl) Batman

53. “A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street

54. “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex; you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.”- James Arthur Baldwin

55. “Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers

56. “I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton

 

57. “The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov

58. “My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.” JP Getty

59. “I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.”Francois Rabelais

60. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams

61. “They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison

62. “October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.” Mark Twain

63. “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan

64. “You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.” Josh Billings

65. “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas

66. “Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.”Taylor Meade

67. “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” Henry Youngman

 

68. “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” Keith Davis

69. “If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” JP Getty

71. “To make a million, start with $900,000.” Morton Shulman

72. “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” Errol Flynn

73. “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” Franklin Jones.

74. “There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes

75. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason

76. “When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette

77. “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman

78. “If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.” -Lane Kirkland

79. “Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams

80. “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” — Robin Williams

81. “It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal

82. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran

83. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes

84. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin

85. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin

 

86. “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright

87. “I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle

88. “It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle

89. “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” — Katherine Hepburn

90. “A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

91. “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain

92. “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn

93. “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal

94. “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous

95. “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige

What’s your favorite quote about money?